Mike Birbiglia

Maybe I have a low tolerance for children because I’ve lost a lot of great friends to kids. Because parenting really is like a disease. But it’s worse than a disease because they want you to have it too. They say things like, “You should have kids too!” And I think, I’m watching you do it and I’m thinking I’m gonna not do it.

We gotta get babies off planes. We got rid of smoking in the eighties, we could get rid of babies now. Or bring back smoking and get these babies some cigarettes because they’re so stressed out.

I had so many questions in Catholic school, but that only made it worse. In sixth grade I asked Sister Kathy, “What happens in heaven?”

She said, “Heaven is whatever you want it to be.”

I thought, That’s just me masturbating all the time.

I’d be furious, too, if I came out of the womb. It’s just better in there. The womb is like an all-inclusive resort. You’re sipping amnio-tinis, floating around in the lazy river. It’s soft and wet and warm and everything is taken care of through the cord. The womb is so much better than the earth.

I’m mostly just scared. This monkey in a jumpsuit stares at me with this look like—I don’t know anything. Do you know anything?

I’m thinking, I don’t know anything either.

“What do you want me to do?! I can’t leave my own body. I’m stuck with this. There’s no cure for me.”

There’s a George Bernard Shaw quote where he says, “When you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they’ll kill you.”

“We have to take care of innocents in this world and we have to be brave enough to tell the truth about innocents in this world. So tell the truth. Tell everyone the truth. Tell anyone the truth. Because your lives depend on it. My life depends on it. And people who really can’t be heard really depend on it.”

Why would I relax when I’m about to fail? I need to try hard as I fail!

We should not be having a kid. We are bad kids!