Douglas Stone

Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Giving a critical performance review. Saying no to someone in need. Confronting disrespectful or hurtful behavior. Disagreeing with the majority in a group. Apologizing.

At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.

A Difficult Conversation Is Anything You Find It Hard to Talk About

heart, the problem isn’t in your actions, it’s in your thinking.

Well, no. The point is this: difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means. They are not about which child-rearing book is most popular, they are about which child-rearing book we should follow.

They are not about what is true, they are about what is important.

Ostensibly the subject is money, but what’s really making you sweat is that your self-image is on the line.

Stop Arguing About Who’s Right: Explore Each Other’s Stories

Think about your own difficult conversations in which there are important disagreements over what is really going on or what should be done. What’s your explanation for what’s causing the problem?

Each Make Sense in Our Story of What Happened

We don’t see ourselves as the problem because, in fact, we aren’t. What we are saying does make sense. What’s often hard to see is that what the other person is saying also makes sense.

difficult conversations arise at precisely those points where important parts of our story collide with another person’s story. We assume the collision is because of how the other person is; they assume it’s because of how we are. But really the collision is a result of our stories simply being different, with neither of us realizing it. It’s as if Princess Leia were trying to talk to Huck Finn. No wonder we end up arguing.

Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other’s Stories

Telling someone to change makes it less rather than more likely that they will. This is because people almost never change without first feeling understood.

We Each Know Ourselves Better Than Anyone Else Can.